


Black holes and revelations

by AtPK



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: ConvinSeptember, Elijah Kamski & Gavin Reed are Siblings, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Warnings for chapter 4 - Heavy angst - Mentions of blood - thoughts of killing someone, Warnings for chapter 9 - negative thoughts - self doubt - suicidal implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 6,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26237227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtPK/pseuds/AtPK
Summary: Gavin is in a coma. Connor talks a lot. Gavin has strange coma dreams.((This is my contribution to the convin september challenge))
Relationships: Connor/Gavin Reed
Comments: 13
Kudos: 47





	1. There was a garden

**Author's Note:**

> Black holes and revelations is a song by Muse - ty yvy91 <3

“There’s this garden I pass sometimes, when it’s nice, and I walk to work. It’s nothing special. A bit overgrown, I guess, but the flowers are so beautiful. The smell of them and the colour of them. They’re just so vibrate and full of life — full of life and bumblebees. Lots of bumblebees. I think I love bumblebees. Anyway, the other day when I was passing by there was a woman in the garden and she was pulling up some of the flowers, so I asked her how she knew which ones to pull up, and she said, some were weeds, so I asked her how did she know which ones were weeds and which ones were flowers, and she said, it’s all a matter of perspective, and then she asked which ones I thought were the flowers, so I pointed out my very favourite flowers in the whole garden and asked her if I was right and had picked the flower and not the weed, and she said that I had picked correctly, she said if I thought that was a flower than it was a flower and she wouldn’t pull it up. I think some people might think you’re a weed, Gavin, but I think you’re a flower, so I think I’ll keep you.”


	2. The pretty and the ugly parts

“D’you remember that shirt Hank got me for my second deviation day? The look on you face when you saw. I’ll never forget it. You said it was the most ugly thing you’d ever seen and you wouldn’t leave the house with me if I was wearing it. You said I could only wear it when I was with Hank and we could be the ugly ass shirt squad together. But as I remember, you were wearing that ugly antique band t-shirt with the holes in it, so I don’t think you had a leg to stand on. Nirvana. That was the name of the band on your t-shirt. You were shocked that I’d never heard of them before and then remembered how lacking my early education had been. You dragged me into the living room and sat me down and then told the system to play teen spirit. It was okay. But you were amazing. The passion in you eyes as you sang along, and did that ridiculous air guitar thing. Your t-shirt might’ve been ugly, but your eyes are the prettiest I’ve ever seen. You still made me change my shirt before we went out though. I wonder where that shirt went to.”


	3. My heart is cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler for the movie Turner and Hooch with Tom Hanks.

“Your brother stopped by today. I can’t believe the last time we saw him was at his birthday. Two months ago. It’s September now, by the way. It’s starting to get colder. .. . Oh, I just remembered that movie we watched. The one with the dog and the detective. Hmm, what was it called? Turner and Hooch. That’s it. Elijah was very amusing, wasn’t he? Although I think he went a bit too far by calling me cold-hearted. Just because I didn’t cry, like you both did, when the dog died. If I’d known it was a prerequisite, I would have brought tissues. Gavin .. . my heart hurts right now. I hurt. Maybe I should watch that movie again, and cry this time. I think I need to cry. I miss you, darling, so much. Please wake up. I don’t want my heart to go cold.”


	4. The time of the hunter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter is darker than the others so far. Heavy angst. Mentions of blood. Thoughts of shooting someone. Connor goes after Gavin’s shooter.

“ ... .. I .. ... did something ..... .. I’m not proud of ......”

  
“Once a hunter. Always a hunter. That’s what Markus said. I know he was only joking. He didn’t mean it the way I took it. But they laughed. Markus. North. Josh. Simon.... It was only a stupid game of monopoly, Gavin, and I hadn’t been stalking him around the board, and there was nothing merciless about the way I took Wall Street. I was just playing the game. ... I’m NOT a merciless hunter!”

“.... maybe I am a merciless hunter ... It’s in my DNA after all. A leopard can’t change he it’s stripes. .. spots ... it can’t change its spots. ... .... .. I found him, Gavin. The man that shot you. We finally got a break in the case! I know I should have waited. I should have done it by the book ... within the confines of the law... BUT. I. COULDN’T. I had to ... I had to make sure justice was done. He cried... he begged ... he pi**ed himself, Gavin! But I still put the barrel of my gun in his mouth and released the safety. I wanted to see HIS blood splattered all over the wall and ceiling. ...” sob “.... the only thing that stopped me ... I couldn’t face the idea of you waking up and me not being here. When you wake up, I’ll be right here by your side, not in some prison, or deactivated and reset, for murdering your shooter.... “ sob “It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done ... not pulling that trigger ... I wanted to kill him ... so much ... but I didn’t. He’s now in the system and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law .... “

“I can’t change who I was ... what I was ... but it’s easier to be who I want to be when you’re here. Please come back to me, Gavin ...” sob 


	5. The sun, the moon and all the stars

Gavin was laying in the patch of shade under the tree in the front yard, and he only briefly thought about how strange that was, seeing how the house had been brought by developers back when he was still in high school and bulldozed to the ground.

It was one of those hot humid days where he didn’t really want to do anything, apart from stare up at the sun dappled 

leaves. There was a light breeze and if he listened hard enough he thought he caught a name whispered by the leaves. 

Connell?

Connacht?

Connie?

The only Connie he knew was the girl from the academy with the HUGE thing for David Bowie. Not that he didn’t agree, Bowie wasn’t bad, but why would the wind be whispering her name.

He continued to lay there as the sun made it’s lazy way across the sky and at some point a dog came to join. Gavin wasn’t really a dog person, but he was too chilling to tell it to go away, so it settled down beside him and stared at him with its a large gentle brown eyes. A shade of brown that instantly triggered a memory in his mind, but when he tried to focus on it, it flittered away. 

The fluffy white clouds, like cotton candy, scudded the brilliant blue sky, and he watched them, slowly becoming convinced of one thing, the repeated pattern of a circle and a triangle, sometimes linked and sometimes separate — and that was weird.

The moon eventually took the place of the sun, and the air grew cooler, the breeze getting stronger. The way the highest branch of the tree silhouetted against the moon made him think of an unruly lock of hair that refused to stay in place. He didn’t know why it would make him think of that, or why the breeze was still whispering the name 

Connell?

Connacht?

Connie?

The dog was still beside him. A big breed, like an Old English Sheepdog or — a St. Bernard...

Gavin was starting to feel cold, a shiver running down his spine and making him want to wrap his arms around his body for warmth, but his arms were too heavy to move.

The stars filled the black velvet of the night sky, making it sparkle. He knew the constellations, but these were all wrong, they seemed to be creating letters, words: 

Wake up.

Open your eyes.

Come back.

Don’t leave me.

I need you.

I love you.

And it clicked. Finally. Everything clicked.

Gavin sat up.

“Connor.”


	6. Dancing devils

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beautiful piece of art in this chapter is by my dearest friend YvY91. Ty my darling <3

“Connor!”

Gavin walked through a set a doors, into a swanky 1920s speakeasy; low intimate lighting, dark velveteen colours, a fug in the air reminiscent of cigarette smoke but which was really produced by the machine in the top left hand corner of the bar. 

Gavin’d been here before, or at least he thought he had. 

Yes, he’d coordinated a bust here a few years back. The bar was a cover for a sex smuggling gang who’s girls had started turning up dead. Gavin slowly took in the room and spotted it, above the bar, the Dancing Devils motif.

Sound started to filter through to him: talking and laughter and a soft sultry singing voice, deep with imagined pain. Gavin’s eyes were drawn to the stage and the source of the voice; standing in the spotlight, a vision in a black dress, v neck down to the waist showing just a hint of nipple, and skirt held back just enough to show the perfect sculpted muscle of a pearly white thigh — all the way up to the crotch; the blue of a sash belt complimenting the dash of blue on the eyelids and lips; a light dusting of freckles ... ..

Connor.

Gavin stared, struck dumb by the beautiful of the man he called his husband and wondering, not for the first time, how he’d ever managed to pull this one off. How, Gavin thought, did such a perfect being, ever settle for him?

The words of the song were bittersweet, full of love and loss and longing for a loved one to come back, and they hurt Gavin’s heart because Connor looked so broken, genuine tears glistening in his eyes as he sang.

And that shook Gavin from his stupor, propelling him towards Connor with a need to reassure and protect and — the crowd of people in the bar had gotten larger since Gavin had walked in, and now not only were all the circular tables taken, but there were people standing in every available space. 

Gavin tried to push through them to get closer to the stage, but the harder he pushed the more the crowd closed in around him, their smiling, laughing faces suffocating him.

“Connor!” He yelled, but Connor couldn’t hear him, just continuing to sing that sad song, his heart breaking. Gavin struggling to get through, using his elbows to shove people out of his way, but for each step he took forward, he was pushed back four, and Connor was oblivious. 

Connor had no idea he was there fighting with this impossible crowd to get to him; Connor couldn’t hear him desperately yelling his name. 

Gavin was shoved and he stumbled back and fell; nobody attempted to help him, just surrounded him, a sea of feet and legs trampling him.

“Connor!”


	7. No turning back

“Connor, Gavin has sustained substantial injuries. The bullet that penetrated his chest cavity caused the area around his lung to fill with blood, and his lung to collapse, resulting in his brain been starved of oxygen. We have stabilised his breathing with the aid of a chest tube but it’s too early to know, as yet, what damage may have been done to his brain.”

“Connor, we’re hopeful to be able to remove the chest tube within the the next day or so, however, there’s been no improvement in Gavin’s brain activity.”

“Connor, we fear that Gavin’s condition is not improving. We fear that his brain has been impaired to such an extent that he is unlikely to regain unconscious.”

“Connor, we have little, to no, hope for Gavin’s recovery. Keeping his treatment going at that point may only be drawing out the process of his dying. We advise stopping life support.”

The doctor’s words struck him like actual blows.

They wanted him to decide if Gavin lived or died.

It was a decision he wouldn’t be to turn back from.

Once the machines where switched off, that was the end.

Definitive.


	8. Cast your spell

Gavin was standing at the end of the bed he shared with Connor, watching himself, watch Connor in his sleep. And the look on his own face took him completely by surprise. He’d heard people talk about ‘the look of love’ but he’d never expected to see that open, honest vulnerability in his own eyes. His heart was quite literally on show and if Connor woke up now he’d see just how much Gavin loved him.

Connor had him spellbound. 

And Gavin had never been happier to be enchanted, bewitched, enthralled by such a kind, selfless, generous, thoughtful soul.


	9. Voices in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: this chapter includes negative thoughts, self-doubt and suicidal implications. The voice in Gavin’s head is coaxing him to give up and die.

“He’s got you fooled, hasn’t he?” 

Elijah was now standing beside him at the foot of the bed, and Gavin slowly tore his gaze away from the warm, safe comfortof the bed, to look at his brother. 

“You really believe he loves you, don’t you?”

Elijah was in shadows, a darker outline against the darkness of the bedroom.

“He’s a machine, Gavin. A facsimile. A clever fabrication. He doesn’t love you, Gavin. Not really. He simulates it, but it isn’t real. He can’t love you.”

Elijah turned to look at him and smiled, like what he was saying wasn’t ripping painful gashes into Gavin’s heart.

“Nobody loves you, Gavin. Not even your own mother. And we both know I was father’s favourite son. You’re really quite unlovable. A waste of space. A human stain. The world would be a better place if you weren’t in it. Maybe you should just close your eyes and go to sleep. You’d make everyone happier if you just never woke up.”


	10. Would you be so kind

“They said the same thing after Hank ... .. after Hank accidentally shot himself in the head while cleaning his gun. The doctors said it was unlikely he’d recover .... ... but they were wrong, weren’t they? Because Hank is fine now. And you’ll be fine too, Gavin... .... I know it ... . I just ... I wish you were here to tell me everything was going to be okay ... the last time, when Hank was in the hospital, you ... were the only one to see ... .. . you showed me how to manage the panic attacks and told me ..... to stop acting like Hank was already dead. He was alive until he was dead and only then could I mourn ... I never knew you would be so kind. I never knew you could be kind. Period. I’m finding it difficult to manage the panic attacks without you ....”


	11. Till the end of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics: Mariah Carey

_ Close to me  
_ _ Oh I need you close to me  
_ _ Loving me  
_ _ Close to you  
_ _ How can I get close to you  
_ _ Help me to _

Gavin was standing outside the door to Hank’s house, fist raised to knock. 

“Don’t do it.” Elijah said from behind his left shoulder. “Let him go.”

This was it. 

The night he confessed to Connor how he felt. 

The first time he admitted to himself how he truly felt.

_ Why can't you see  
_ _ I would give the world away  
_ _ To have you by my side  
_ _ I'm so in need  
_ _ Each and every night I pray  
_ _ You'll come and save my life  
_ _ I would love you  
_ _ Till the end of time _

They’d argued.

Seriously argued, like they were a actual couple, even though they weren’t. 

Gavin had hurt Connor’s feelings. 

Gavin had been scared he’d fucked up beyond repair, this time. 

_I_ _think of you  
_ _ Every moment I go through  
_ _ Thoughts of you  
_ _ I dream of you  
_ _ All I have are so many dreams of you  
_ _ Won't you please come true _

Connor had said he’d been patient. Connor had said he’d given Gavin time and space. Connor had said that he knew Gavin was capable of loving him, he’d seen it and felt it already. Connor had said he couldn’t and wouldn’t wait forever. Connor had said Gavin needed to make up his mind and stop acting like a damned fuckwit or Connor wasn’t going to try anymore.

_ Why can't you see  
_ _ I would give the world away  
_ _ To have you by my side  
_ _ Oh I'm so in need  
_ _ Each and every night I pray  
_ _ You'll come and save my life  
_ _ I would love you  
_ _ Till the end of time _

Connor knew how Gavin felt about him, he just needed to hear it. 

And this was the night Gavin told him.

Gavin told him that he needed him, that nothing felt real without him, that Connor had opened something in Gavin that allowed him to feel for the first time in years.

Gavin told him that if Connor just gave him one more chance, Gavin’d give him everything, every moment he’s alive, until the end of time.

_ Tell me what you need  
_ _ Let me give you all of me  
_ _ 'Cause without you nothing's real  
_ _ You're the reason that I feel  
_ _ Tell me what you need  
_ __ Let me give you everything  
Every moment I’m alive  
Until the end of time

“But what if you hadn’t knocked?” Elijah muttered. 


	12. Late night thoughts

The world was pulled out from under his feet and he was falling through the darkness, trying to drab onto the nothingness to break his fall.

Images flashed passed him of Connor, living a life without Gavin in it.

_ Connor living with Hank and Sumo, happy and always smiling. _

Gavin made him sad sometimes. Gavin made him frown sometimes.

_ Connor spending more time at Jericho, surrounded by his people, who understood him without him needing to explain. _

Gavin tried so hard to understand the things Connor told him, about how he experienced the world, about how he felt his emotions, but sometimes it seemed like they were from two completely different planets.

_ Connor getting close to Markus, the soft unspoken words and gentle touches, everything shared through the interface. _

Gavin would never be able to bond with Connor in that most intimate of ways. He would never be able to open his heart to Connor like that. All he could do was use his words to help Connor see the truth, and he was really shit with his words.

_ Connor being offered the position of Lieutenant and taking the job, proudly moving up in the world. _

Gavin closed his eyes tight.

These were his fears brought to life, the late night thoughts that plagued him and made him doubt himself.

He didn’t want to see anymore.

Connor had told him, he didn’t want the Lieutenant job. He was happy being a detective, and working with Gavin.

Connor had told him he was happy living in the small apartment with Gavin, Harley and Quinn.

Connor had told him that he didn’t need to live at Jericho to feel accepted.

But Gavin could see it all now.

He could see how much better Connor’s life would have been if he’d never knocked on Hank’s door.

Connor would have been so much happier without him to fuck everything up.


	13. Tell me something I don’t know

“I want to tell you something I don’t think you know. You talk in your sleep. It was very surreal the first time you did it. We had a whole conversation about the correct way to make a pb&j sandwich: peanut butter first then jelly, or jelly first then peanut butter or just mix them both together in a big bowl. We’ve had a lot of interesting conversations in your sleep, Gavin. You don’t hide anything from me in your sleep. You are honest to a fault. I think maybe, at this point, I know you better than you know yourself.”

“ .... I wish I’d told you more that I love you and that you are my everything, and I want you to stay being my everything, until the end of the world. I hope you know that, Gavin .... .. I hope you know how much I love you.”


	14. Price of perfection

Gavin stopped falling through the darkness and landed on his feet, standing in one of the pews, at his own wedding ceremony.

Gavin hadn’t fucked anything up with this day, not really, he just hadn’t been perfect.

He’d tried to be perfect.

He’d put in the hours at the gym to get rid of the love handles, even though Connor insisted he loved them and would miss them. He’d drank a shit ton of water and put cold fucking tea bags on his eyes to try a reduce the dark circles. He’d gone to an actual stylist to get is hair and stumble designed. He’d even got a damned medi-pedi.

His suit had been tailor made and fitted him just right.

He‘d been as perfect as he could possibly make himself. He’d put in the work and the look on Connor’s face when they saw each other for the first time told him that he must have scrubbed up okay in the end.

Connor was perfect. The sight of him standing there at the top of the aisle, waiting patiently, took Gavin’s breath away.

Connor didn’t have to work at being perfect, he just was perfect.

Connor was so far out of his league, he left Gavin in the dust.

Connor could do better.

Connor deserved better.

“You never were good enough for him, Gavin.” Elijah said with a smile.


	15. I cannot save you

“I hate being this helpless! It isn’t fair! None of this is fair, Gavin! We finally have everything we wanted and then ... THIS! You laying there in this bed with tubes in your arms and tubes up your nose and tubes in your mouth and I CAN’T DO ANYTHING! You said I saved you when I said yes, but I didn’t save you. I CAN’T SAVE YOU! I can’t save you, Gavin. I can’t do anything. ... sob ... I’m useless and alone and scared and I just want you to wake up ....... ....”


	16. A past untold

“Oh, look where we are now.” Elijah crooned gleefully and almost clapped his hands. “You’re not pulling any punches, are you, Gavin?”

They were standing in the middle of a living room that Gavin recognised but couldn’t immediately place. It was only when he turned around that it clicked.

This was the place he rented, back before he’d decided to join the police academy.

They were all there, his so called friends, including Gavin, lounging on the sofa, smoking an almost burned out cigarette and drinking a can of cheap beer. He remembered he’d got into a fight the previous night and the black eye and scraped cheek were clear.

“Does Connor know about this stage in your life?” Elijah asked.

And Gavin shook his head.

He’d been an angry twenty-two year old.

No, who was he kidding, he was an angry adult too.

He’d always been angry.

Less angry with Connor around.

More angry with Connor around.

“Let’s go out.” Gavin said and stood up, throwing the empty can in the corner and stubbing the cigarette out on the arm of the sofa.

Gavin and Elijah trailed along behind them, the dread slowly swelling in Gavin’s stomach.

“I don’t want to see anymore.”

“I’m not controlling this, dear brother, you are.”

Gavin stopped walking, but the scene either rushed back towards him, or he was shoved into the thick of it.

They’d cornered an android, separated it from its owner and manoeuvred it back here into the alley.

“You get lost, tin can?”

“I want to — ”

“Fucking plastic.”

They jeered and leered and then Gavin threw the first punch, and the first kick and was the first to slam his foot into its head, and the first to smash its chassis and the first to yank out wires, and the first to walk away.

He’d been an angry twenty-two year old. .. .

Gavin closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth, and Elijah stood over the damaged, but still functioning, android and tutted.

“What would Connor say, if he knew?”


	17. Creature most vile and despicable

In front of his eyes, Elijah morphed into a copy of himself, and Gavin found himself staring into a mirror image of his own face, only the eyes looking back at him were jet black.

The android moved and shuffled and pulled itself up to sit leaning against the wall, and the android was Connor, his LED pulsing a dangerous red.

“Connor!”

His doppelgänger blocked his path and stopped him from getting to Connor.

His doppelgänger smiled at him.

Gavin tried to shove past, but found himself shoved back even hard, falling down hard on his ass.

“Get the fuck out of my way.” Gavin growled. “Connor.”

Connor turned his head towards Gavin and Gavin saw the pain and betrayal on his face.

“You did this to me.”

“No,” Gavin beseeched. “I would never hurt you.”

His doppelgänger laughed.

“You are me. I am you. We are each other.”

Veins of black slowly covered his doppelgänger’s face, and it started to grow taller, broader, larger, gathering the darkness around it.

“We can pretend to be good, but we know what we truly are.”

“Connor, please.”

But Connor was gone and it was now just him and this vile and despicable creature, and Gavin knew then that this creature was him, that this deformity standing in front of him was a physical representation of his soul.

And he knew that he had no right to continue living.


	18. Where have you been all this time

“The cats are wondering where you’ve been this whole time. I give them plenty of cuddles and kisses from you and it’s possible I might be giving them too many treats, but it makes me feel better, and you’re not there to tell me not be, so .... .. Harley’s sleeping on your side of the bed, I think she can smell you and she misses you. Quinn misses you too, he’s sleeping in the cupboard again ... Gavin, can you hear me?”


	19. It’s happening again

The creature closed its fist around Gavin’s neck and lifted him up off his feet, dangling him in the air like a rag doll, before it began to squeeze the life out of his body, and Gavin didn’t fight.

Gavin gave in and let it happen.

His vision began to blur and his heart pounded against his ribs, he gasped for air and stared into the black eyes of his soul.

“Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppp.”

“He’s flatlining.”

The noises came from far away, like he was deep, deep underwater.

“Gavin! No! No, no, no! Gavin, please, don’t leave me!”

Connor’s voice was like a clear bell, resounding in his head, and he tore his gaze away from the creature’s eyes and found the spot of light in the darkness.

Connor.

The light moved closer and with it came the jumble of words and emotions, crashing into him.

“...Gavin, can you hear me?”

“... I’m useless and alone and scared and I just want you to wake up ....... ....”

“.... I wish I’d told you more that I love you and that you are my everything, and I want you to stay being my everything, until the end of the world.”

“... I wish you were here to tell me everything was going to be okay ... I’m finding it difficult to manage the panic attacks without you ....”

“... .. it’s easier to be who I want to be when you’re here. Please come back to me, Gavin ...”

“.. ...I miss you, darling, so much. Please wake up. I don’t want my heart to go cold. ..”

“...Gavin .... .. I hope you know how much I love you. ....”

It all happened in an instant but in that instant Gavin made up his mind to live, and his hands scrambled and pulled at the fingers closed around his neck and he kicked at the creature in front of him, desperate to breathe.

“I. WANT. TO. LIVE.” Gavin snarled and the creature let him go, and disappeared like smoke around him, and Gavin fell to his knees and sobbed.

He’d let it happen again.

Just like before.

He’d let his doubts and fears and guilts get the better of him.

He’d let his brain play its tricks.

He’d almost killed himself again.

“Gavin, I love you.”

Connor’s voice echoed in his head.

Connor did love him, Gavin knew that, no matter what his phantom brother said. Connor could love and did love and showed his love in ways that were unique and special to only them.

“Gavin, please wake up.”


	20. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics: The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Gavin’s life had always been a bit like a seesaw, sometimes he was up and sometimes he was down. Although, to be fair, he did seem to be down more often then he was up. Or, at least, that had been the case until Connor showed up.

_You've got to know when to hold 'em  
Know when to fold 'em_   
_ Know when to walk away  
And know when to run  
You never count your money  
When you're sittin' at the table  
There'll be time enough for countin'  
When the dealin's done _

Connor was the light in the darkness, the voice of reason, the stability he needed when his world was crumbling around him. And, if he were to believe Connor’s words, Gavin served that same purpose for Connor too.

_Every gambler knows  
That the secret to survivin'_   
_Is knowin' what to throw away  
And knowin' what to keep  
'Cause every hand's a winner_   
_ And every hand's a loser  
And the best that you can hope for  
Is to die in your sleep _

Gavin’d made so many mistakes in his life, but letting Connor into it, wasn’t one of them. He’d finally got a good hand, after being dealt so many bad, and he’d be damned if he was going to fold before this hand had been fully played out.

_You've got to know when to hold 'em  
__Know when to fold 'em_  
_Know when to walk away  
And know when to run  
You never count your money  
When you're sittin' at the table_  
 _There'll be time enough for countin'  
When the dealin's done_

Gavin wasn’t done yet.


	21. The sympathy of undead things

“You died. And you came back. You were dead. And now you’re not dead. I want to make a joke about you being a undead thing, like a vampire or a zombie, but I don’t have the heart for it. I just want to thank you, Gavin. Thank you for not staying dead. Now, if you’d only wake up, that’d be fabulous.”


	22. God knows I’m trying

Gavin heard him and more than anything he wanted to let Connor know that he was trying. He hadn’t given up, he’d kept on fighting, and he’d find a way to get back to Connor. 

But with each step he took, the future away from Connor’s voice he seemed to get, and there was a fog closing in around him, and he felt his foot slip and once again he falling, bouncing and rolling and colliding with things on his way down that tumbled with him, and when he reached the bottom they clattered around him.

An arm. A leg. A head.

Androids. Broken and discarded.

The junkyard.

Gavin looked up the way he’d fallen and there, at the top, out of reach, was Connor.

Gavin started to climb, ending back at the bottom, time and time again, but he didn’t stop.

He’d do everything in his power to get back to Connor.


	23. Look at me, I exist

“Connor, I’m here!” Gavin yelled. 

“He can’t see you.” A voice said by his hand and Gavin jumped, loosing his balance and falling down the short distance he’d managed to climb. 

“Once we’re down here, they don’t see us anymore.” The voice said and Gavin’s head whipped around, trying to work out which of the androids had spoken.

“I’m here.” The voice said. “Can you see me?”

“I’m right here. Look at me.” Multiple voices said. “Look at me.”

Gavin started to climb again, trying to block out the pleas of the forgotten and abandoned androids. 

“I exist.”


	24. Sticks and stones

“Whoever it was that said words couldn’t physically hurt you, was wrong. I’d happily take the sticks and stones over this pain. The doctor said the fact that you came back was only a testament to the strength of your body and nothing to do with you wanting to live. He said nothing has changed with your brain activity. He’s still recommending that we switch off your life support. I think he’s wrong. I think you’re trying to come back to me. I dream about you waking up. I don’t know if I’m just being selfish. If I’m just keeping you like this because I can’t stand to lose you. I don’t know what to do, baby.”


	25. How did we end up like this

Gavin’s fingers were cut to ribbons and his strength was giving out but he still kept climbing this ever growing, never ending pile of misery, the androids pleas following him all the way.

He’d stopped looking up a few hours ago because he was never getting any closer to top, but he didn’t know how much longer he could keep going.

Gavin reached for what looked like a steady enough hold and it gave and he started he fall, the long, long way back down to the bottom.

He closed his eyes and waited for the drop but someone grabbed him by the wrist and he opened his eyes to see Connor.

Connor had caught him before he could fall. Connor would always catch him before could fall and, thinking back to five years ago, when Connor first turned up in the precinct and disrupted his life, there was no way Gavin ever could have foreseen that they’d end up this way.

Gavin reached with his other hand and gripped Connor’s wrist and they both just stared at each other, one from above, one from below, the despair and hope in Connor’s eyes burning into him.

“Just hold on, Gavin. I’ve got you.”

Gavin didn’t know how they’d ended up like this, but he’d learn to stop questioning it someday.


	26. So happy, I could die

“Connor,” the doctor said from the doorway and Connor tore his gaze away from Gavin and looked at the doctor expectantly. “There’s still no change.”

Connor looked back at Gavin, laying in the hospital bed, his body slowly wasting away. 

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about?” The doctor prompted, and Connor’s heart broke a little more.

Connor ignored the doctor and continued to stare at Gavin. He leaned in and took Gavin’s hand and whispered near his ear so only Gavin could hear.

“Give me a sign, please.“ his voice broke on the plea and his tears spilled over onto Gavin’s face, the glistening drops of water rolling down Gavin’s cheek and disappearing into his hair. “Give me a sign, darling.”

Connor glanced at the monitors, his hope growing strong enough to burst, but there was no change, and Connor’s tears flowed harder.

“Connor?” The doctor said again, the compassion in his voice making Connor hate him suddenly and with a ferocity that surprised him. 

Now was the moment he had to decide.

This was it.

The doctor was waiting and Gavin remained unresponsive, the exact way he had been for weeks.

“Doctor, I —“ Connor started and at that instant, Gavin’s finger moved, a fraction, a twitch, there and then gone, and Connor froze, scared that he’d imaged it. “Doctor, did you see that?”

The doctor looked at him sadly and Connor knew that he thought Connor was just coming up with excuses not to make the decision.

But no, there it was again, and this time the doctor did see it.

Connor looked at the doctor in shock and the doctor looked back at him in surprise, before calling for an EEG. 

Gavin had moved.

And Connor knew that this time they would see a change in his brain activity.

Gavin had given him a sign.

Connor emotions swelled and overwhelmed him.

Gavin was going to be okay.

Connor had never felt happiness like this before, and he found himself sobbing with both joy and relief and guilt that he’d almost given up on the man he loved.


	27. Boys will be boys

A figure appeared behind Connor’s shoulder, also looking down at Gavin, and Gavin stared back at his boyhood self in surprise.

He had to be about eight, and he looked just as sad and dejected as Gavin always remembered being back then. There was a bruise blossoming on his cheek bone. 

Boys will be boys.

That’s what his teachers used to say, when they called his mum and his stepdad came to pick him up from school. They’d never asked why he was picking fights or why he didn’t have any friends or why his grades were dropping.

They just said boys will be boys and left him to it.

No one ever asked why he was the way he was, until Connor, and Gavin hadn’t know how to answer. His whole sad excuse for a life had made him the way he was, and society let him get away with it.

Boys will be boys.

Toxic masculinity.

A way to hide from the world and everyone in it.

Until Connor.

Gavin now knew all the things he needed a to tell Connor, if he ever got back to him. He needed to be truthful about his untold past, about the things he did when he was twenty two and the things that were done to him when he was eight.

He needed to truthful about everything, his fears, his doubts, his crippling insecurities; he needed to lay himself bare in front of Connor, and hope that Connor would still love him after.

His eight year old self smiled at him: “it’s time to wake up.”


	28. In the light of day

Gavin opened his eyes and stared up at the stark white ceiling, and Connor shot out of his seat so fast he knocked the chair over.

“Gavin!”

Gavin’s gaze slowly met his.

Connor took his hand.

“Can you hear me?”

Gavin’s fingers tightened around his.

The doctor and two nurses rushed into the room, and Connor stood back as they assessed the situation, the whole time not taking his eyes of Gavin.

“This a great progress, Connor.” The doctor said. “It’ll take time for him to fully come out of the coma but the early responses are very encouraging.”

It’d been a long night of darkness but Gavin was finally stepping back into the light of day.


	29. Confessions of a sinner

Gavin woke up with Connor’s arms wrapped around him, his back snug and safe against Connor’s chest. He could feel the beat of Connor’s thirium pump and hear the sound of Connor’s breath near his ear.

He’d been discharged from the hospital a week ago, and since then Connor hadn’t left his side, treating him like something rare and delicate and extreme valuable that might break at any moment.

Gavin snuggled deeper into Connor’s embrace, and Connor’s breath hitched and he came out of stasis. Gavin slowly turned in his arms to face him.

The morning sun was bright in the room and the way it danced on Connor’s face made him look even more beautiful, if that was at all possible.

“Good morning, darling.” Connor sighed and Gavin kissed him.

Connor smiled. 

He looked so happy in that moment that Gavin sorely regretted what he was going to say next, but he’d made up his mind in the coma to confess his sins to Connor, and right now was the right time.

Gavin sat up and Connor frowned, sitting up himself, obviously able to tell from the look on Gavin’s face that he wanted to say something important.

“What is it?” Connor asked reassuringly, brushing his palm over Gavin’s cheek.

“Think it’s time I told you the things I haven’t told you yet.”

Connor looked surprised.

“Well, it’s only taken five years,” Connor quipped. “But I’m glad you’re finally ready.”

Gavin took a breath and began to talk.


End file.
